It’s not Jersey Shore, which has been growing on me, but Flavor of Love: Charm School. I had such high hopes for it, partly because I find it difficult to resist any title sporting a colon, and partly because it was misrepresented in the TV guide as Rock of Love: Charm School. Flavor of Love – which I’ve never seen, nor knew existed – followed the antics of a group of women, competing for the affections of Flava Flav. It distresses me even to type that. Must go and listen to some cleansing Public Enemy to recover.
I’m back. Fight the power, people! Apparently some of the women vying for the Flav’s attention behaved badly. So badly, in one case, that an eviction took place before a nickname could be bestowed And so badly in other cases, if the interviews are anything to go by, that family disappointment followed. What’s a girl to do if she’s shamed her family by appearing on a trashy reality show? Why, sign up for another one, of course! The prospect of a $50,000 prize gives me some understanding of why these girls are involved; I have no idea why Mo’Nique is playing the part of ringmaster for this circus, though.
The combatants are women from two seasons of the pre-colon show and include:
- Goldie – The Puker, so named for her vomiting which, we are told, “smells like chicken”
- Serious – The Egomaniac. Her introductory clip shows her flashing her tits and saying “if they don’t look like this? Then it don’t matter”
- Hottie – The Crazy Girl. Judging from the first two, she’s got some stiff competition in the crazy stakes, so I’m expecting some serious nuttiness – more serious than eating a bit of undercooked turkey, which appears to be how she got her name
- Rain – who is known as The Screamer, but that must only be because The Crazy Girl is already taken. And probably because the producers thought it would be rude to just call her the Fugly Girl
- Smiley – The Crier (who also screams, comes off as crazy in her clip, and is not very attractive)
- Pumkin (sic) – The Spitter. I’m wondering if she spat more than once, or if the girls were nicknamed from one random clip. If she’s a serial spitter, then… ewwww. (Actually, if this is the only time? Then also ewwww, because we see her lobbing a really big gob of spit right in another girl’s face)
- Toastee – The Porn Girl (strangely, not the girl being called a “fuckin’ whore” in the Pumkin clip)
- Like Dat – The Slob. Drinking from a milk carton, burping, looking like a man
- Buckwild – the Blackest White Girl, so called, presumably, because she talks in Randy Jacksonisms, dawg
- Krazy and Buckee – the Balcony Brawlers. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Yes, they are having a fight. On a balcony
- Bootz – The Hater. Well, if she’s The Hater, what does that make me?
- Saaphyri – The Fighter. Perhaps she’s only distinguishable from The Balcony Brawlers by the fact that she’ll take her fightin’ anywhere
Given that the show starts with clips of the women behaving atrociously, the only shocks were the revelation that the names “Bootz”, “Goldie” etc were also nicknames – the nicknames given to them by Flava Flav – and, then, that Saaphyri was her real name1.
This show had no other surprises and surprise is what keeps otherwise formulaic TV entertaining. Shows such as Ladette to Lady and Australian Princess, which were fairly short on lasting entertainment value, at least had the novelty of a cast of gauche, reality TV newbies. These girls have already had more than their 15 minutes and are back for more; they’ve experienced the control of producers and editors and they have signed back up, possibly wiser this time around and, if not, then irredeemably stupid (and irredeemable stupidity is only fleetingly amusing).
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1. I wonder how Mo’Nique recovered from the awkward exchange with Saaphyri during the nickname-stripping ceremony: “That represented something ugly. What is your real name, baby?” “That is my real name.” (And, in case you’re wondering, it seems to be pronounced Safari.)
